From 86285f157eefafad4b619c993988b1c281ca87d2 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Frederick Yin Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2022 23:27:24 +0800 Subject: Add shitpost: The Egg is Flat --- docs/shitpost/flat_egg.md | 85 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ docs/shitpost/img/flat_egg/egg_drawing.jpg | Bin 0 -> 121718 bytes docs/shitpost/img/flat_egg/turtle_egg.jpg | Bin 0 -> 31671 bytes docs/shitpost/img/flat_egg/turtle_egg_hq.jpg | Bin 0 -> 312723 bytes docs/shitpost/index.md | 1 + 5 files changed, 86 insertions(+) create mode 100644 docs/shitpost/flat_egg.md create mode 100644 docs/shitpost/img/flat_egg/egg_drawing.jpg create mode 100644 docs/shitpost/img/flat_egg/turtle_egg.jpg create mode 100644 docs/shitpost/img/flat_egg/turtle_egg_hq.jpg diff --git a/docs/shitpost/flat_egg.md b/docs/shitpost/flat_egg.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dd12c6b --- /dev/null +++ b/docs/shitpost/flat_egg.md @@ -0,0 +1,85 @@ +# The Egg is Flat + +2022-04-12 + +Good evening, everyone. What shape do you think the Egg is? Yes, you in +the back? Excuse me? Can you talk louder please? Teardrop, I hear you say? +Oh, a few voices say oval. Anything similar between these two shapes? Yes. +None of you said "spherical" or anything with a third dimension. Teardrop +is a planar shape. So is oval. You can draw them on a sheet of paper. Here +is an artistic rendering of a typical Egg: + +![](img/flat_egg/egg_drawing.jpg) + +Notice anything? The Egg [clicks pointer] is flat. + +OK, I know you have questions. You've seen Eggs, right? Y'all have, at one +point in life, ever held an Egg in your hands. So have I. But the +difference between you and I, when we are presented the Egg, is that I am +the only one who thinks. + +By "think" I don't mean worthless questions only sheep will ask, such as +how to make cake. I mean philosophical questions. Like, do you think twice +about the blatant government propaganda that the Egg is "round"? I bet you +don't, which is why I'm here to give you a chance to think again. Inhale +deeply, and connect your consciousness with your Deity of choice. Any +Deity, except the Deity of Deception, will tell you with set-in-stone +certainty: It's actually flat. + +Let's do a simple experiment with household items. Find an Egg, a plate +and a basketball. Drop the Egg on the ground. It breaks. Drop the +basketball. It bounces right back. Then drop the plate. It breaks, as did +the Egg. This is concrete evidence that the Egg is more similar to +a plate, which is flat, than to a basketball, which is spherical. +Conclusion: The Egg is flat. + +An Egg can seem to roll off your kitchen table, but in reality, it is +because of the turtles below it, whose means of locomotion remains +a mystery but no further evidence other than this blurry photo taken in +2008 is needed to prove their existence. And has anyone seen a turtle +carry spherical stuff? No, it would slide right off. Turtles can only +carry flat things. Ipso facto, the Egg must be flat. + +![](img/flat_egg/turtle_egg.jpg) + +Please don't call me a skeptic. My attitude towards an Egg-related opinion +is not always skepticism. I am open to new ideas, as long as they appear +in the Bible at least once or on my favorite blog, Miss Interpretations, +written by Karen White. I might doubt you for a minute or two as I flip +through the Bible trying to find the sentence which seems to be in your +version only, but as soon as you present me two pieces of evidence, which +is more than enough to prove any biblical fact regardless of their +relevance to the subject, I will accept your theory and defend it. In +fact, this was how I was enlightened in the first place. At first, I was +an innocent sheep like most of you, unaware that the "Round Egg" is +a deliberate hoax made up by the Government, the NSA, the Illuminati and +Target, tricking everyone in the pocket of Big Ova. + +But the Flat Egg Society approached me. Last April Dave, a very handsome +young man from Alabama, who drives a rusty pickup truck sporting +a confederate flag and a Blue Lives Matter sticker, spoke to me the truth. +I could not sleep that night. I couldn't help thinking about the sinister +masterplan that was hiding in my fridge. I couldn't fall asleep with them +in my house, so I left them in my backyard. The next morning, they were +gone. I asked my nextdoor neighbor, but they said they didn't take them. +Then who did? Who was spying on me that day, the exact same day when +I learnt the truth, and confiscated from me their tool of indoctrination +in the middle of the night? And can you imagine how many fellow Flat +Eggers are under constant surveillance? + +This is it, brothers and sisters, this is it. No longer shall the Big Ova +mess with our true, holy, not-skewed-at-all perception of the world! +Together we unite, together we are power! We the Flat Eggers will spread +the truth, and end this deep state propaganda! The Egg Is Flat! + +## Thank you. + +Thank you for reading the entirety of my shitpost. I began writing this on +April 1, 2022 because I was drunk. I failed to finish it because I was +drunk. It is April 12, and out of many things I could do I'm writing flat +earther satire. This went too far. Help me. + +## Credits + +- [A chicken egg, by NIAID](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:An_Egg_\(32970626574\).jpg) +- [Red-eared slider turtle, by Kateryna Martyniuk](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Red-eared_slider_turtle_04.jpg) diff --git a/docs/shitpost/img/flat_egg/egg_drawing.jpg b/docs/shitpost/img/flat_egg/egg_drawing.jpg new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4048655 Binary files /dev/null and b/docs/shitpost/img/flat_egg/egg_drawing.jpg differ diff --git a/docs/shitpost/img/flat_egg/turtle_egg.jpg b/docs/shitpost/img/flat_egg/turtle_egg.jpg new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7e63d4a Binary files /dev/null and b/docs/shitpost/img/flat_egg/turtle_egg.jpg differ diff --git a/docs/shitpost/img/flat_egg/turtle_egg_hq.jpg b/docs/shitpost/img/flat_egg/turtle_egg_hq.jpg new file mode 100644 index 0000000..547208b Binary files /dev/null and b/docs/shitpost/img/flat_egg/turtle_egg_hq.jpg differ diff --git a/docs/shitpost/index.md b/docs/shitpost/index.md index 97ba50b..80401c4 100644 --- a/docs/shitpost/index.md +++ b/docs/shitpost/index.md @@ -9,3 +9,4 @@ precious time you could've spent more wisely elsewhere: - [Haiku collection](haiku) - [Rousseau and Schopenhauer walk into a bar](rousseau_and_schopenhauer) - [Extreme Boredom Has Driven Me Into Playing Pokemon Sword](pokemon_sword) +- [The Egg is Flat](flat_egg) -- cgit v1.2.3