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# The Egg is Flat
2022-04-12
Good evening, everyone. What shape do you think the Egg is? Yes, you in
the back? Excuse me? Can you talk louder please? Teardrop, I hear you say?
Oh, a few voices say oval. Anything similar between these two shapes? Yes.
None of you said "spherical" or anything with a third dimension. Teardrop
is a planar shape. So is oval. You can draw them on a sheet of paper. Here
is an artistic rendering of a typical Egg:
Notice anything? The Egg [clicks pointer] is flat.
OK, I know you have questions. You've seen Eggs, right? Y'all have, at one
point in life, ever held an Egg in your hands. So have I. But the
difference between you and I, when we are presented the Egg, is that I am
the only one who thinks.
By "think" I don't mean worthless questions only sheep will ask, such as
how to make cake. I mean philosophical questions. Like, do you think twice
about the blatant government propaganda that the Egg is "round"? I bet you
don't, which is why I'm here to give you a chance to think again. Inhale
deeply, and connect your consciousness with your Deity of choice. Any
Deity, except the Deity of Deception, will tell you with set-in-stone
certainty: It's actually flat.
Let's do a simple experiment with household items. Find an Egg, a plate
and a basketball. Drop the Egg on the ground. It breaks. Drop the
basketball. It bounces right back. Then drop the plate. It breaks, as did
the Egg. This is concrete evidence that the Egg is more similar to
a plate, which is flat, than to a basketball, which is spherical.
Conclusion: The Egg is flat.
An Egg can seem to roll off your kitchen table, but in reality, it is
because of the turtles below it, whose means of locomotion remains
a mystery but no further evidence other than this blurry photo taken in
2008 is needed to prove their existence. And has anyone seen a turtle
carry spherical stuff? No, it would slide right off. Turtles can only
carry flat things. Ipso facto, the Egg must be flat.
Please don't call me a skeptic. My attitude towards an Egg-related opinion
is not always skepticism. I am open to new ideas, as long as they appear
in the Bible at least once or on my favorite blog, Miss Interpretations,
written by Karen White. I might doubt you for a minute or two as I flip
through the Bible trying to find the sentence which seems to be in your
version only, but as soon as you present me two pieces of evidence, which
is more than enough to prove any biblical fact regardless of their
relevance to the subject, I will accept your theory and defend it. In
fact, this was how I was enlightened in the first place. At first, I was
an innocent sheep like most of you, unaware that the "Round Egg" is
a deliberate hoax made up by the Government, the NSA, the Illuminati and
Target, tricking everyone in the pocket of Big Ova.
But the Flat Egg Society approached me. Last April Dave, a very handsome
young man from Alabama, who drives a rusty pickup truck sporting
a confederate flag and a Blue Lives Matter sticker, spoke to me the truth.
I could not sleep that night. I couldn't help thinking about the sinister
masterplan that was hiding in my fridge. I couldn't fall asleep with them
in my house, so I left them in my backyard. The next morning, they were
gone. I asked my nextdoor neighbor, but they said they didn't take them.
Then who did? Who was spying on me that day, the exact same day when
I learnt the truth, and confiscated from me their tool of indoctrination
in the middle of the night? And can you imagine how many fellow Flat
Eggers are under constant surveillance?
This is it, brothers and sisters, this is it. No longer shall the Big Ova
mess with our true, holy, not-skewed-at-all perception of the world!
Together we unite, together we are power! We the Flat Eggers will spread
the truth, and end this deep state propaganda! The Egg Is Flat!
## Thank you.
Thank you for reading the entirety of my shitpost. I began writing this on
April 1, 2022 because I was drunk. I failed to finish it because I was
drunk. It is April 12, and out of many things I could do I'm writing flat
earther satire. This went too far. Help me.
## Credits
- [A chicken egg, by NIAID](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:An_Egg_\(32970626574\).jpg)
- [Red-eared slider turtle, by Kateryna Martyniuk](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Red-eared_slider_turtle_04.jpg)
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